Only Loved at Night
A. Suparak
2000
Adapted from the writing published in Some Kind of Loving Videotape and poster, 2000

Conditional love + withHolding. Temporality. vs. Ideal life-long, 4-ever.
Applied.

Catalysts:
As a teen living in L.A. it was so inspirational and encouraging to learn about/be involved with the music-zine-art distribution and events run by motivated girls, and the d.i.y. aesthetics and politics integral to this.

It was a revelation when I first saw a film by Betzy Bromberg: so tactile, so lush, and just on the edge of my understanding. Mentally rigorous and physically invigorating. The film doesn’t have a clear narrative, characters, or dialogue- a new form I hadn’t seen before which made me work harder to try to understand it. It felt naughty and exhilarating. It was beautiful.

I left California for art schooling in Brooklyn, New York. Outside of my regular studies I created and programmed a weekly film series which included live music, performance, and guest artists. The politics as well as the creativity of curating was attractive: Attempting to influence and/or inspire others, create another input different from (my) institutionalized education and the regular moviefare, and promote certain ideas, perspectives, and artists via contextualized shows and the selection and sequence of work. (And then there's aesthetics, rhythm, mood, etc.) Another ulterior motive was to increase pubic awareness of female artists since their (our) views, desires, and presence is still lacking in general education and public knowledge.

XOXO

So much sublimation. or Possession.

Sexuality as rooted in power: 1) Initiation. 2.+ 3.) Giving vs. receiving. 4.) Keeping track. A learned behavior.

The tension, the awkwardness in initial contact/s. After so many years of unsuredness and wanting deeply to be desired. Validation through being selected. (Wanting. or waiting.)

Question: Is this what I desire or what I desire to be?

[Females must identify with the male point of view through all the movies and the Required Reading books directed by, written by, and about men. Hemmingway, Dickens, Twain, Ginsberg, Kerouac, Shakespeare... We know what it is like to grow up as a boy and think like a boy. And we see through the eyes of male desire via advertisements, magazines, and Hollywood movies. We learn and internalize how to stand, walk, move, blink in the sexiest and most flattering way, and compare/judge this in other girls.] (It's cheaper to keep her.)

"Is this what I get for Loving you?"

I want girls to have images of explicit cunnilingus and screen-sized vaginas in their own homes. To grow up with this image and to expect it.

On this tape you will find this. And more. You will find six movies of real and fake lives. You can reminisce or project or imagine. They are by five real women near or far from you but now in your home. This is a real love story. Wear it on your sleeve, carve it in a tree.